I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Can I color on your dick again?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
