She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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