I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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