You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
