New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
