I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
