Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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