I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am spending my child support on dildos
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
the liver wants what the liver wants
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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