this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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