when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
