Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
