Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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