If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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