yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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