I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
