I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
