You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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