i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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