Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
