Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
