Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This baby is an asshole
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
