Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
