He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
