Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
