Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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