I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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