Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
