I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
