All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
