Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
