they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
