I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
