he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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