hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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