mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
