Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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