What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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