Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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