My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
