He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
