No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
