Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
