he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
