Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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