sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
