I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
