Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
