True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
