his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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