She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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