just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
