i think my mom watched the whole time
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
